2023: August 18th

August 18th, 2023

So much has surfaced since I  began this process.

1. stating, I am going to do a "Swedish Death Cleansing Process".

2. setting to work

3. archiving the process

I have observed the following:

The art, some of it, tells stories of trauma, and the nature of the drawings themselves, the style, communicates at times the age and ability of the aspect, or part of me, story telling through time/space through use of visual mediums.

I am beginning to find words, or impressions, on what its role is in medicine/healing. Things get buried in the physical body, in the mind, suppressed, and aspects of the psyche may split the scene through what is known as dissociation. When one engages with life drawing, and painting, I find there to be a very special alchemy in drawing in community, live, from the undraped human form. There is the community support of the space, a place for the story to be witnessed, albeit abstractly, in a coded language of sorts that skirts the fear of telling directly that may have been conditioned in a person through threats and emotional duress. The conscious mind is not aware of the trauma, but somewhere within, the story seeks to emerge, and be witnessed, and it surfaces. Once it has a form, OUTSIDE of the body, one can see with external eyes, as a witness, what it is conveying in imagery. Once this occurs, I found, in my process, it was a pre-cursor to the recovery of memory of the incident, the flashbacks, and the reliving of whatever hellacious moment it was. For many memories, the flashbacks happened more than once for a given experience in that given one experience a different aspect of the self may have held one puzzle piece. It is only after many years of work, that a clear understanding of what occurred comes into place. What was key, for me, was connecting to the aspect of the self that floated outside the body and watched everything from a birds-eye view. It was this witness part of my psyche that was able to convey the misinterpretation of some events due to the fact that those who were harming used tricks and used a lot of lying.

I have observed, that gosh, I now know, born on a new moon, this can be interpreted as one who likes to start things and I see how these layers of art 30 years deep, they were never processed properly, or finished even, in that, after something was expressed, the process was enough. This is an opportunity to properly care for the work, and show all of who I am love and respect for the tremendous work, courage, and patience. It is a way of saying, I love you.

I am finding there seems to be a first cull. Simply going through drawing pads and removing gesture drawings, and half finished drawings, and things that were more processed oriented.

Some of the material really expressed some very intense and dark energies, and I am finding, how these works want to be handled is different. For instance, there were two that depict trauma that completely wanted to be let go of, and they were not photographed. I had a ceremony and asked for insight in a way that is authentic to me and was shown to burn them. So I smudged them first, and had a ceremony in my backyard burning the three items, releasing it to fire. I then buried the ashes and asked the earth for support in clearing these things.

These drawings, they became a protest poem, which, I hold close to my chest.

I am finding it a bit overwhelming, looking at the 1,500 pieces of paper and canvases and wonder how I will ever get through this all. I am going to find a way to organize the stacks a little more tidily for now. It felt important to get them OUT of their storage container and in the open.

I am keeping the things that make me feel good, and realize, I may end up keeping more than I intended. 

ABOUT the works above

Such a precious memory, the black and white, I choose not to share.

The color, I also choose not to share.