January 26th, 2025

Source: NASA: https://science.nasa.gov/moon/photography-guide/?intent=021 

I believe it is Kane Moon today.

January 26th: 4:00 am

Day 7 of Many Days and Many Moon Cycles

It is 4:09 am, and I am up early, awoken by turbulence which I am not sure is caused by what. Violence, perhaps, on PBS Masterpiece Theater, a diversion from the present moment and sinking into a poor choice of entertainment, well crafted, but not good for the body, the mind, the soul, with one episode left, yes, I will most likely watch it. I look deeper into myself, and realize, it touches on the themes of violence from my childhood, and at the age of 65, I find myself still poking at these recesses. Is it something not quite tended, some part of me forgotten, what exactly is this?

I found myself, in yesterday’s flow, joining a form of meditation I had not tended before, invited by a friend. It felt too long. An hour of silent sit in meditation, and hour of teaching and a ten minute meditation and a few minutes of speaking. To spite it feeling too long, if only for a moment, I felt as if it was possible to flow in greater kindness, somehow.

One of the teachings spoke about how a cup, if it is full, how it cannot receive more, and that resonated. I am wary, cults, I do not want to be drawn into a cult, and in researching, it is not seen as a religion, or a cult, but more actually something that aligns with a desire to pursue truth.

I had difficulty, with the prompt to say the word of God, and the concept of faith, because I don’t “believe” in a God. I experience dimensions of something inexplicable, but my perception is, that there are somethings beyond human comprehension given the limitations of the mind. 

The beginner meditation is to sit in stillness for an hour and focus on whatever word you are comfortable with using for God, to use that, and I went through a sundry of words, and a sundry of perspectives, and defined God with no boundaries, non-existence, no sound, and began to use the names for the different qualities of God as defined by the Hawaiian cosmology, what limited knowledge I have gathered. 

It was after my ballet class, and that felt good, and sitting in meditation is in alignment with a prompt from my innards, about how to cope with the insanity of this present moment, and the country I live in, its democracy sinking like an irreparable ship, it is dying before our very eyes, while some hang on to the idea that it can survive these intentions. Is it doomed to die here because of the way it was built? Are humans doomed? Or is this the chemicals in my brain talking.

I found myself going to gingerbread yesterday, and resisted the sweets.

I just plain feel shitty right now, so there, I labelled it, I feel shitty.

I feel further shitty after my partner, when I asked him if he was going to fix the other driveway (he owns the house), he responded “when you go out and make a lot of money”. He made a comment about taking care of me. 

I feel really crappy about this.

I name it, a cycle. He says something I experience as painful, and it makes me feel unappreciated, and it makes me want to run away. I withdraw from him.

What is this? 

I actually have nowhere to go.

Iʻd have to go to the streets.

My mental health would decline.

I am trapped.

I feel trapped.

The only option when one is trapped is death.

It makes me feel like dying and __________

There, I said it, but erased it, holding that awareness like a flame.

I follow the loop of this ancient thought:

This relationship, at times, feels like it is not healthy for me.

I need to leave the relationship.

I am open to changing, I am open to change, I am open to change, I am open to change, even in this relationship, I am open.

Time to meditate, and I plug into he work of Sandra Ingerman, revisiting her teachings on coping with the Dark Night of the Soul, and having set the intention to journey on behalf of the collective Dark Night of the Soul in America, and how that interconnects with the planet, observing, in setting this attention, all but one person in the community of practitioners I was co-practicing with, have stepped away from this vision.

In this teaching she suggests going back to revisit the teaching in another course, Spiritual Immunity, and in this journey, the intention is to journey with this intention:

“Please bring me to my creator, the creative energies, the buddha mind, how much love went into my creation.” It is a journey to discover your creation story, then a prompt to write this. I had something come very powerful come through the first time, and I have forgotten what that creation story was, but I remember the name that came, to chant “I am” I played the journey, and nothing occurred, what was alive was this pain, and the realization that the PBS Masterpiece Theater show, I was triggered by the part where the crime network included one of the lead character’s, a detective, memory of child abuse, and seeing pictures of herself her father took, that tied into pornography, it was so similar to my own memories of having had pictures taken of me as a child, a part of a larger criminal network I suppose, that my parents fell prey too. 

I think, with six children, perhaps, they did not feel as if they had choice.

The evils that lay within the Catholic Church and my understanding how people used that structure. How the confessional raised awareness of vulnerable children, vulnerable parents, and how the sanctity of the confessional perhaps was all a bluff, and broken, again, and again, with this institution being more, in essence, a pedophile factory. This institution having created the first bible. 

As I touch this, I am aware of the seething anger I still feel towards this church, and all churches, for the harm that has been perpetuated against children, for perhaps as long as it has existed?

The anger is borderline hatred and perhaps it is best to name it, this dark energy directed towards churches, is it Kali? The wish and desire for things that harm children to be dismantled and for guardrails of safety to emerge? Yes, this is the desire.

There is growth but there is destruction.

I call upon that sacred wrath of injustice to come, the mightiness of the tiger that is watching over me, and I give back the harm done to me and my sisters and brothers and all the sisters and brothers in the world, the innocents that have been harmed.

Kindly and swiftly and justly send this back to the senders, to the origins, and let this energy go back like a mighty tsunami to annihilate even its origins, to shift the game plan, to make this space safe, for all of us together.

I ask this, from this place of fury, this is what I see, and what I imagine.

I let go, I let go, I let go.

I heal, I heal, I heal.

I ask for insight of what ceremony might help this. 

I am angry at this concept of God because it is what these sundry of religions that harm peddle, they peddle eating words written by men as truth, and to follow these truths, and do not seemingly give a pathway for healing, but pray to something for healing, without communicating how to do it, the practicalities of this, so perhaps this is what led to all those names in repeating words to stand in for God:  to see God as non-existent, with no boundaries, the experiences of inner space, inner silence, inner stillness, the name of God as “I am”, thinking the names of Hawaiian Gods, cycling through everything I have discovered on this truth questing path, and the direction from within prompting, to know God, the notion is, know yourself, start there.

Know yourself.

So rather than think or chant the word of god, what is more relevant is to meditate on,

‘ike kupono ihola au ia’u. I know inwardly and righteously myself.

The self is not the body

The self is not the emotions

The self is not the perceptions

The self is not the harm that was done to you

The self is not your past

The self is not the future

The self is not the present even

The self is knowable in the unknowable

A place that is not readily accessible

It is only in the dissolution of all that one can know the unknowable

And that does not abide in the framework of the experience

But it is when we cease to exist that we are able to understand this

So how can one cease to exist in the perception that you are existing

In the flow of the blood

In the rise and fall of the breath

In the dance of the stars and the planet

In the coming of rainy seasons

In the coming of dry seasons

In the conflicts that come and go

In the wars the destroy

In the efforts to rebuild

In all of it

An image

In the minds eye

Abide

In the innocence of the child

In this laughter

Live

Find this

Within

Begin with tending the wounds of your inner child

For this, my personal path

And in so doing

With intention

Imagine it spreading out throughout this dream

For all wounds

Of all inner children

And imagine

A future 

Of no harm

“Move the Negative Intrusions out of the Collective”

I set the intention to move out all negative intrusions from the collective soul, I am a part of the collective, and is this my right?

No

It is your honor and your privilege to dream that this is possible.

It is basic.

Ceremony

Support

Sourcing Intention

Own and heal your projections

Gain Clarity

Ask

Flow

Transform with?

Move